Had a serious case of nostalgia last night and went through Gabriella’s Facebook album from Krakow. Body dysmorphia is a funny thing.
I’m the next act
Waiting in the wings
I’m an animal
Trapped in your hot car
I am all the days
That you choose to ignore
Going through old blog entries is depressing as fuck to be honest. Almost a year ago exactly I was dreaming about finishing my thesis and had plans on being moved out by the fall. Well that turned out as planned lol.
Currently at home, trying to recover after chicken poxes and I cant really think further than three days ahead. Today its Tuesday, and on Friday me and Cecilia are supposed to travel to the great north, home of kings and legends. I’m talking about Umeå of course. This trip has been planned for over a month, and of course I was lucky enough to catch chicken poxes, dangering my whole chance to visit. Www.godhateswilhelmina.com. We’ll see what happens. I will be super bummed if I cant go, but at the same time I realise that things could be worse. Putting things into perspective is helping me cope with my luxury problems, and I’m thankful for having all the things I do have – family, friends and a relatively stable life/psyche.
Haha who am I kidding, I’m still an emotional trainwreck.
I’m done with my thesis though, and the first course of this semester went great. This fall I will definitely be somewhere else than here. 2015 is going to be the year I actually do something with my life.
Today I spent 4 hours out in the woods with these freaks. Mushroom picking was on the schedule, and I realised I had forgotten about how much fun it is to be outside doing stuff like this. I now promise myself to get better at being in the outdoors, I kind of have to practice in case we go up to Abisko, right?
Ok I know I haven’t been very active on here lately, but I was thinking I would get back on track with this whole blog thing once and for all now. Here is a little update on whats to come in the life of the Willy
– currently trying to work on my bachelor thesis so I FINALLY will be done with school in January. Pray for me that I pull through, mkay?
– I’m about to get my drivers license! Will take the actual tests and stuff in December (just a few days after my essay is due. Yepp its going to be a stressful autumn), so its in a while, but I’m already starting to get nervous.
– I’m going to Amsterdam for a few days in November, with Alex! We’re going to hang with some of the people we met at Groezrock and also see Joyce Manor live, I predict good times.
Hmmm I think thats about it actually, I dont really have time for anything else at the moment, school and work and lying in bed apathetically takes up most of my time these days. My anxiety levels are at an all time high, and I’m more or less paralyzed by the stress this essay is putting me through. I need a fucking slap in the face. Get a grip, woman, its only a paper! Its only school, for crying out loud!? Ugh.
So yeah, I’m not going to have much of a life these upcoming weeks, but you can count on that I will go H.A.M. on the 4th of December, when Im finally free!
So Groezrock 2014 was fucking amazing.
This was my first festival ever abroad, and it honestly could not have been better. It’s been a week since we flew down to Belgium, yet I’m still walking on clouds because of it. This year has kind of sucked so far, but I do dare to say that Groezrock was and will be the highlight of my 2014.
I will upload my own images as soon as I have developed the film, meanwhile I’m stealing these from Cecilia and Carl aka captain Faggot.
I am currently being liek super_mega_miserable @ my bachelor thesis. I just want to finish the goddamn thing so I can focus on the last courses I need to complete before I can graduate from Uni and finally escape this godforsaken place. Ok, fine, Stockholm aint bad at all. Its just that I am in desperate need of getting away from here. Ever since I graduated high school I have been dreaming about moving somewhere else, but to oblige my parents request I started studying here so I would be “done” with school before I started doing anything else. Yeah, I admitt that living at home without any expenses whatsoever besides beer have been pretty darn sweet, so I’m not complaining over the fact that I stayed in school. I now feel stronger than ever than I’m close to doing what I’ve been wanting to do since I was 17, i.e. move away from home to a new country, and I couldn’t be more stoked. Lets just pray that these last courses and exams go as planned so I can be out of here by say…. October? #AGirlCanDream
I went to Gothenburg over the Valentines Day weekend to hang out with my old high school buddy GG. We had a delicious tapas dinner, played the world’s most boring board game, went window shopping, had the year’s first semla, went to a safari themed party at her campus, were hungover, tried to cure hungoverness with brunch, drank alcohol in weird places under the university building, went to a fancy dinner party, wing woman’d her classmate into getting laid, danced on top of tables and got hungover again. All in all it was a solid weekend, 10/10 would do again.
Its mid April and I am stressed out of my mind, where the hell does all the time go? The weeks are over before I’ve even noticed that they have started, Valborg is coming up, then its practically Midsummer, Emil and Sara’s wedding and then BAM I’m going to the US. Asdfghjklöä I cant contain all the feelings I have in my body right now, this summer has potential to be the best one in my life so far. 2010 was the best of times, but 2013 better bring it.
Spring was here for a few weeks and I finally felt alive again. I’m not going to bitch and whine over stuff I can’t control, but I was really looking forward to sunshine, warmth and lazy afternoon walks. Now that the snow and cold is back again its like I just want to crawl back into my dirty sweatpants and never come out again.
I have also realised I have a real phobia I somehow need to work out and be freed from, its getting in the way of my productiveness.
I keep finding myself walking around smiling, and keep thinking that I am so grateful to be alive right now. Why? I don’t know exactly why, but I just love my life so much right now. It is far from perfect, no doubt about that, yet I keep being so fucking stoked on living, its almost silly. I can start laughing randomly, not being able to contain myself from dancing while waiting for the subway (eventhough I’m surrounded by loads of grumpy, tired strangers who most definitely think I have escaped from the nearest psych ward) or smiling uncontrollably. I have no regrets in life so far, because every choice I have made has lead me to where I am today, and I couldn’t be happier.
I’m sorry if this post made you want to poke your eyes out while vomiting on a bunch of dead kittens (thats my usual response when I read “omg-my-life-is-like-sunshine-lollipops-and-rainbows-lol” bullshit people post on their twitters and facebooks), but I can’t help myself. Eventhough I have so much school work to do, I don’t have an income for the summer yet and no idea how I’m going to finance my US trip I am so happy to be alive, I just don’t know what to do with myself.
So I finally got a tumblr the other day, and lets just say that maybe it wasn’t the best idea since I had promised myself to study extra hard this semester. So. Addictive. I feel more inspired than ever though, so on a personal level I guess it is SORT OF beneficial, although I am very aware of that it makes more harm than good. Goodbye, straight As, hello hot grunge girls and classic pop cultural .gifs!
My reaction during the break when someone mentioned school work?
Yeah, well I have had a fucking phenomenal three weeks packed with zero work and boatloads of shenanigans. It’s quite interesting how I never ever seem to learn from my previous mistakes and actually use the leave from school to get some of the work I was assigned before Christmas done. I really feel like using that old yolo-esque quote “never regret anything that once made you smile, because at one time that was exactly what you wanted” yaddayadda carpe diem, but that is a fucking retarded quote sometimes. Especially since it raises my stress levels x 7489202302301928374.
These past few nights I have been unable to sleep before 4am, and when I have woken up (after way too few hours of well needed beauty sleep) my whole face has been hurting like hell because I have been grinding my teeth while sleeping. Basically how I feel about these two upcoming weeks:
I have a feeling this semester is going to be pretty intense. I checked my schedule for my new art history course and long gone are the days when I only had 3 lectures a week; now I seem to have a lecture AND some form of group discussion thingy every. Goddamn. Day. I haven’t had that busy a schedule since high school. On the plus side we have at least 3 field trips to museums planned, so I reckon this spring will be like a form of time travel back to junior high, in other words I will be in my right element!
I have this feeling of that life is constantly slipping through my fingers. If I write down the words it gives me a feeling of actually living, that I give life to something constant, like freezing a moment. It stems from a realisation of not having a memory, or at least an uncertain, fragmental memory. Therefore I am fascinated by photography. In photography, when something happens you are able to document it. You can save it forever.
So me and Sara finally wore our brown lenses for the party last night. I thought they were going to be more of a bitch to wear, but I only had one incident with one of them when it almost fell out, right after midnight. It could have been due to the fact that I almost got a champagne cork right in the eye though, so I dont blame the quality of the lense for that.
I liked having lenses, but I guess brown maybe wasn’t my color. I think I looked kind of like a vampire with them, and some people at the party said I looked like one of those japanese girls who go through surgery to look more western. I wouldnt know about that though, but there was definitely a huge difference between my real eye color and the fake one.
There we go. Both my New Years dresses have now arrived and I can’t decide upon which one I should wear. I haven’t felt like such a girl in a longass time, but I guess it’s healthy (?) to wear something other than flannels once in a while.
I love New Years Eve. I love it more than Christmas, but maybe not more than Midsummers Eve. It’s a close tie between the two of them, the festive highlights of the year. There is this tension and feeling of excitement in the air on New Years Eve (or maybe it’s just me?), people dress in fancy clothes, have dinner together and act civilized for a while before all hell breaks loose after midnight.
My New Years resolution for this year is to “get in touch more with my emotions” (I am deeply sorry for the extremely lame wording). I feel broken. I’m afraid of feeling anything else than pure joy and excitement, and I need to work on that. It’s not healthy to walk around being afraid to open up to other people, at least it doesn’t feel too healthy. So, basically by the end of the year I hope to be less of the emotional wreck I am today, a new Willy shall emerge! That’s the plan anyway. But yeah, we all know whats usually the story with New Years resolutions.
Last night me, the gentleman above and four others spent the evening in a basement, doing a Lord Of The Rings drinking game. I won/lost by getting the most drunk, mostly because I forgot to buy orange juice for my tequila. Drinking a glass of tequila everytime Frodo makes a jizz face or when Legolas has a captain obvious moment wasnt the best of ideas, since it happened in almost every scene. This needs to happen again though, a new drinking game tradition in Lucas’ basement, raise your hand if you’re in!
For some reason its 4am and I’m up watching old Ricki Lake clips on youtube.
So Christmas is now over at my house; the food has been eaten, the presents have been opened and the alcohol has been consumed. It’s not until in most recent years that I have realised how much my mom, dad and the rest of my relatives actually drink. Today I’ve been watching my father and uncle closely to see how much they consume in one day, and with the amount of Jäger, Schnaps, beer, whiskey and whatnot they have been drinking today a lightweight like myself would be dancing without her bra around the fire place while proclaiming to be a strong, black, independent woman who dont need no man. Or just hugging the toilet wondering why no man wants my vagina.
After power shopping my Christmas gifts on Friday at the mall (together with the rest of all the Northern Hemisphere’s middle class parents) I took the bus and then train to Uppsala to get white girl wasted together with R. And white girl wasted I got. Nothing went as planned, and I ended up at a pre-party together with 11 random dudes (basically frat bros); Metallica on full volume and everyone sitting in the couch playing video games and chugging beer. Some of them tried tricking another of them into drinking someone’s pee. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party. But I had a blast. I don’t remember much, but it was fun.
Apparently I get super open about personal stuff when I’m drunk (who doesn’t, right?), but the worst part is that I’ve started to forget everything I say when I’m under the influence. The morning after when me and R was just lying in bed hungover out of out minds he had to enlighten me on some of the “epic” quotes I had delivered during the evening (most of them were about sex, my pussy or dicks. Basically just the same things I talk about when sober as well, but for some reason I felt ashamed because I had talked about it with dudes I had never in my life met before.). I need to come up with something that prevents me from talking about those kind of things when I’m drunk. I’ll work something out, like an reward system or whatever, that should do it.
Also, I am aware of that a few weeks ago I said that I was going to be completely sober from then on. Yeah, that didn’t really happen. I just love being drunk way too much right now, which in a way is kind of sad I guess. But at the same time I don’t care, because I have such a good fucking time while doing it.
One thing that is good about being this stressed is that I have no apetite whatsoever. I can be super hungry, but as soon as I see food or take a bite out of something I immediately lose interest in it and feel full. Awesome diet is awesome. Constipation is my new best friend! Coffee, water and chocolate is what I need to function right now, and words cannot describe how stressed out I am over my 20 page essay due in two weeks. At the same time as I feel obliged to study more than ever (with a burning drive to get an A on my assignments) I just feel like life is passing me by without anything exciting happening. Its like I waste my days sitting at home in my pj’s, trying to write good papers, when I should be out having the time of my life. When I take a look at myself in the mirror I kind of want to cry, I look like a coked up former-it girl gone reality tv star on her mugshot after a week-long drug fest. I don’t want to look like that. I’m never going to get laid if I look like that.
I don’t know, I think repeating “YOLO” has gotten to my head, but there are so many things I want to do right now. So many shenanigans, so little time. And such bad cash flow.
So I failed quite miserably with finding that goddamn Lazer Tag venue the others had been running around in last night. Story time: I missed the street on which it was located and thought “hey I can just walk back towards downtown because I’m pretty sure the place is this way”. It wasn’t. Instead I walked to the next subway station to see if the street I was looking for was along the way, but when I came to the subway station and could look at the map I saw that the street in question was next to the one I had been standing on in the first place before I decided to go for a tedious failure of a stroll. Fuck my life, right? BUT as soon as I came back to where I had started and finally found that godforsaken place 30 minutes after I was supposed to have been there, I walk straight into my friends in the door as they were heading out, so my timing couldn’t actually have been any better. Yay me.
We then proceeded to go eat pizza to celebrate the b-day boy Sebastian. I’m always amazed over how much fun I have when I’m with those guys, but it makes me wonder over the saying that laughter prolongs one’s life. Having chest pains from laughing too hard really cant be good for you. Oh well, yolo.
High School. Don’t let my serious face wrinkle fool you, I never accomplished shit in Biology class.
Current lifestyle: waking up at 7am, spending the whole day studying, roaming around the mall gossiping and eating yogurth ice cream, listening to One Direction and reading for a while before going to bed at 11pm.
Yeah, Willy, a middle schooler called and wanted her life back.
Ok so I have the last wild weekend in a long time behind me. Wild as in drenched in delicious alcohol and tacky decisions. I got my tits licked and apparently made out with a finnish dude. I don’t remember much, but what I do know is that tequila is one hell of a beverage. Now I’m going to stay sober for as long as possible (hopefully until June 2013), wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed that my liver doesnt collapse due to severe booze withdrawal.
For the last three weeks I have been setting my alarm on my phone when I’m going to bed after staying up wayyy too late, and you know when the alarm says that it is “so and so many hours and minutes until it will go off”? Yeah, for some reason it has been 4 hours and x minutes EVERY goddamn time lately. What the fuck am I doing? I’m one of those people who need loads of sleep to function properly. In high school I could easily go to school after only sleeping for say 2 or 3 hours. Those days of glory are long gone though. Even if I sleep for +10 hours now I can barely move without a cold shower and a bigass cup of coffee.
So why am I doing this to myself? This self-inflicted torture of staying up past my bedtime on school nights and not thinking of the consequences (being more dead than alive in the morning and looking more worn out than the vag of sluttiest chick in a sorority house), and being reminded of how shitty I am at decision making every morning while I run to the train station for another miserable lecture at the university.
One thing you can do when studying gets too overwhelming is to explore the features your webcam has to offer. I just want to finish this assignment already so I can go downtown to see some sweet bands, but I don’t seem to get anywhere. It really sucks to have the attention span of a 5 year old trippin balls on a massive sugar rush. I actually can’t recall a single time that has ever been to my advantage.